luvxander

1) "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." - Mark Twain

2) "God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board." - Mark Twain

3) "Golf is a good walk spoiled." - Mark Twain

4) "I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way." - Mark Twain

5) "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - W. C. Fields

6) "I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse." - Mark Twain

7) "Peace is its own reward." - Mohandas Gandhi

8) "It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer." - Albert Einstein

9) "We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future." - George Bernard Shaw.

10) "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns

11) "Condoms aren't totally safe. My friend was wearing one and got hit by a bus."

12) "If I have a choice, I'd rather not be stabbed today."

13) "If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair."

14) "I will kick your f#%$ing nipples off."

15) "It's not going to suck itself."

16) "Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors!"

17) "I taught your girlfriend that thing you like."

18) "Please do not annoy the writer. She may put you in a book and kill you."

19) "Mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park."

20) "That's me, Susie-fucking-sunshine."

21) "I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, obey me and I'll be your slave."

22) "Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an asshole."

23) "Tis better to have loved and lost than to have lived with the psycho for the rest of your life."

24) "Oh, did I hurt your feelings? Let me call you a whambulance."

25) "It's time to start slapping people."

26) "Sorry, it's not my day to care."

27) "People like you make me double my dosage."

28) "Nobody listens to me until I fart."

29) "Keep working. Millions on welfare depend on you."

30) "Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking."

31) "Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes."

32) "Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever."

33) "Merry Christmas. Give me something."

34) "Evil's just easier."

35) "I molested myself last night. I said no, but I knew I wanted it."