I was debating on whether to post this, but what the hell

[luvxander]

I got a call yesterday from my Aunt Jean back up in my hometown. Seems that my Dad's brother, LeDonn died on Tuesday. Now, his death is by no means a shocker to anyone, he'd long ago drank away any hope of ever having an even slightly healthy liver and was riddled with about 4 different kinds of cancer. She was calling to asl me to be a Pall Bearer (is that the correct spelling?) at his funeral, which will be held today.

The problem here, and I'm still not sure if this makes me any less human or just a cold bitch, is that I find myself unable to care. I agreed to be one of the Pall Bearers out of familial obligation and the fact that his sons did the same at my father's funeral, but the only memories I have of my Uncle are of him being a mean, drunken, abusive son of a bitch (quite literally, my grandmother was a bitchmonster from the planet of hell who hated me from the moment of my birth and took pleasure in telling me this).

I want to care. I mean, just on the basic human being level, I should care that he died, and from all appearances, died in great pain. But the tears I find myself crying, the thing that kept me awake last night, wasn't grief, it was guilt. It hurts something in me to know that there are people out there that can die in massive amounts of pain, begging to die even, and I can't bring myself to care about them.

I can remember times when I've pulled my car over to the side of the road and cried until my throat was raw and my entire body hurt because I saw a dead animal in the street. Why can't I bring myself to care that a human being, someone I grew up know and am related to, just lay in a hospital bed for 3 days, begging the doctors to let him die? Maybe they were right not to call and tell me any of this until after he'd passed. Hell, I haven't even stopped to wonder why they didn't call. They called my brother.

Does this make me a monster? If I saw this on one of the tv shows I watched? And there was this person sitting there, not really caring about the life and death of others? I'd call him a monster.

And even with all this going through my head, I care more about the amount of money I had to take out of my Writercon savings to buy a suit to wear to the funeral than the fact that was someone so important to my Daddy is dead.

I, apparently, have more issues than I thought. I thought my manic depression was my biggest downfall. But it seems that takes a distant second to the fact that I don't seem to have a soul.

Comments

[obsessedmuch.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

When my sister died a few years ago, I found myself looking at my own reactions to it much the way you are now. I came to some sense of peace about it, though in a way I suppose I'll always wonder if I made the right choice.

You don't find yourself overflowing with love and sadness because someone who you were abused by, verbally and emotionally if in no other way, is no longer around to continue with the abuse, and somehow you think this means you are soulless? I think that the very fact that you *want* to feel something more speaks highly of you, honey. I think it says that you're a better person than you want to let yourself believe you are.

Don't be so hard on yourself. *hugs*

[luvxander.livejournal.com]

*hugs you back hard*

Thank you. I don't know about being a better person, but thank you for saying it.

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

Like Lar said, the fact that you want to, that you think you ought to, feel sadness and grief for this man makes you an incredible person. That you don't makes you human -- and not that unusual. It sounds like your uncle was an ass through and through and the only reason you had anything to do with him was that wonderful crap-shoot that is family. So, you do your familial obligation and you are not required, expected, or any other verb, to feel a damned bit of sadness.

Everyone thinks they should feel sad at death. And on some levels, you probably do -- but not everyone mourns the deceased, and not everyone should. Sometimes numbness is all you can manage, if that, and that's okay. There's nothing at all wrong with that, and I dispise the industry that's made us think it's bad. It's not. It's just normal.

*hugs you tight* Hell, the fact you're going, when it sounds like you've had nothing but verbal and emotional abuse from that part of the family, is pretty damned amazing. And tells me how amazing you are.

[luvxander.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight right back*

You and Lar, you guys will probably never know what it means that you've said this. I can't bring myself to think of myself as a 'better person' or 'amazing', I'm not sure why. Years of training, I guess. But it means so much than you guys say it. One day, maybe I'll see it too.

[jillapet.livejournal.com]

It makes you human. You can only take so much abuse before your natural instinct to love someone is wiped out.

Quite frankly, I had a great grandmother like that-she wasn't a drinker, just a mean old bitch. I went to her funeral, but I didn't cry. I only went because she was my grandpa's mom.

And I guess I don't have a soul, either, because if either of my fathers died right now, not only would I not cry, I would laugh and dance a jig on their graves.

So, i'd say that you are fine. And don't spend too much on that suit, cause I know that it will just be too big on you in a month anyway!

*smoochies and hugs*

[luvxander.livejournal.com]

LOL! I'd pay a fortune for a suite that'll be too big in a month. I just hope it's not too tight, ever.

[angeljade.livejournal.com]

You are so not alone. I remember sitting at one of my best friend's funeral (she was muslim, so all the women had to wait in a room while the men attended) and I spent it all sitting with my friends laughing and joking. I cried only when one of my friends did, because she set me off, not because I felt enough grief. Thing is, if we cared so much about death, we'd spend our lives crying. Just imagine if you did get upset every time you heard about someone dying, could you really keep going if if effected you every single time? It'd be so depressing! I know this guy was family, but it doesn't sound like close family to me. It even sounds like he wasn't such a nice guy. I know if my mom's parent's died, I'd cry only because watching my mom in pain would really hurt me. Does that make me a bad person? Well...maybe I'm not the doting grandchild I should be, but then maybe they shouldn't have been snobs who were rude to my siblings, my dad and me. Besides, who says crying's a good thing anyway? What makes you a good person is that you're doing this for them, even when you don't want to. And you're spending money you could be using for writercon on a suit. I'd say you're a bit far off soulless. A little evil sometimes, but that's why we love you. :op *big kisses*

[luvxander.livejournal.com]

*grabs you and hugs you and hangs on like a hanging on thing*

[betagoddess.livejournal.com]

Of COURSE you have a soul, because you CAN feel guilty about not caring for an abusive son of a bitch. Which meand that on some level, you DO care. Just not about him. Which makes you a normal human being. There is only so much our fragile souls can put up with in this life.

*hugs* to you, my dear! You are SO not a monster and you can live with the knowlege that you never WILL be a monster.

You are a kind and loving person and you do NOT have to feel loving and caring for a heartless abuser, no matter who he is.

[luvxander.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight and gets it all made betters*

[betagoddess.livejournal.com]

Glad my hugs help! =>}

[kaydee23.livejournal.com]

Hang on. You don't have to feel bad about his death. It doesn't make you a soulless monster because you aren't mourning the passing of an "abusive sob."

You are doing your family obligation, and that's that. Stop beating yourself up over not being able to squeeze out a few tears over a mean person whose death sounds like it was a mercy.

I'm sure you're father will appreciate you being there for him, and it's good that you can do that.

((hugs))

[luvxander.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It feels better now that I see that no one else really gave a crap either. We were all just kinda wanting it to be over with.

[redeem147.livejournal.com]

You sound pretty human to me. When I went to my son's girlfriend's mom's visitation, it was all I could do not to slap her corpse.

You go and help out for the people left behind that you do care about. You go because it seems the right thing to do.

I don't know you that well, but I know you enough to have seen your soul.

[luvxander.livejournal.com]

OMG! You're gonna make me cry. Thank you so much.

[kristinholt.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't call that a lack of soul. That person doesn't deserve your regard in death if he wouldn't have given it in life.

Love you.

[luvxander.livejournal.com]

*loves you and holds on for dear life*

Mainly cause when I get through with comments, there's one hell of a rant coming. Stay tuned.

[kristinholt.livejournal.com]

LOL

I've got teh drama going on around here, so someone else's is refreshing.

[luvxander.livejournal.com]

Rant is posted. Be warned, it's not pretty.

[wirrrn.livejournal.com]

Hey,

Never feel guilty for Feeling, or for Not Feeling. If he was a mean arsehat, of course you're not going to feel upset that he's dead. It doesn't make you soulless, it just makes you human.

:hugs:

[pronaea.livejournal.com]

The human mind is a wonderful and powerful thing. You described your uncle as "a mean, drunken, abusive son of a bitch". My guess is that your mind, being the wonderful, powerful thing that it is, protected you from his abusive nature by creating a certain emotional distance ... if he can't reach you, he can't hurt you. Just because the man has died, that emotional distance doesn't disappear. It takes time to grow out of that conditioned response.

My grandfather was a mean, abusive SOB. (Couldn't even blame it on the demon drink - he never drank a drop.) When he died, I felt relieved. Not so much that he was dead, but that the possibility that I would have to be around him at any time in the future had died with him, and that other members of the family couldn't apply emotional pressure to get me to do so.

I don't think this makes either of us bad people. It just makes us people who were strong enough to get that emotional distance instead of curling up in a whimpering ball (at least emotionally) at the thought of being around our respective mean, abusive SOBs.

Well, that's my two bits (inflation) on it, anyway. Go easy on yourself, you haven't done anything to deserve anything else.