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luvxanderDid you really think that I'd forgotten? Was it neccessary to come up and ask? Of course, I remember. Yes, I know how long its been. It's been 16 years, 9 months, and 7 days. That's how long it's been.
You motherfucking assmunching squidbilly redneck son of a satanic whore. There is no way in hell that any part of that conversation was called for. You do NOT use the pain of a 13 year old child as a graveside antecdote.
You were my father's best friend, my confessor, the ONE DAMN PERSON I trusted. Do you have any idea, any at all, of how betrayed I feel right now? I hope you do. I hope you spend an eternity trapped in a hell where you have to feel what I've felt for the last 17 years. It's not funny having all this pain and rage and emptiness trapped inside you, clawing at your insides to get out.
I was 13. I didn't know what death was. Maybe I was lucky, maybe I was sheltered, but what I wasn't supposed to be was the object of ridicule or something you discuss at family dinner. So much could have been avoided if you'd just kept your fucking mouth shut. There was no reason for Adam to know that I came to you, my father's best friend, to pour my soul out. Do you know how terrified I was? Of telling you, of hearing your answer, of it even being true??? And you go home and tell Adam, over a nice dinner, that you don't want him hanging out with 'the faggot at school' anymore. If I had even been able to comprehend the possibility that you had betrayed me in that way, I'd have killed you. Hell, I want to kill you now.
And yes, it's very funny to tell EVERYONE about the 13 year old boy who threw himself at you, begging you to give him back his father. I didn't know what death was. I had no clue why he couldn't come home. But you get your laugh, Mike. Don't forget to get that.
And just for your information, MIKE. Time does not fly for a 13 year old boy trapped in a body that continues to grow and pretends to live after his entire life is shattered. Time does not fly, Mike. Time holds onto you, dragging at you, tearing chunks of flesh from your body until you're left a miserable, raw, bloody sack of meat and bones. 17 years, Mike. Of pain that could have been prevented.
YOU destroyed my faith, you destroyed my self confidence. I didn't know why everyone turned their back on me after my father's death. Do you know what that does to a 13 year old child? Do you know how many years I blamed myself for it? Why else would everyone I knew suddenly stop coming around, stop talking to me, start crossing the street to avoid me. In a town as small as ours, Mike, you do NOT 'out' the only gay person in school.
I want you dead. I want to see your heart torn from your chest the way mine was.
I'm sorry that I keep dumping all of this on you guys. I put it behind a cut in case you want to skip it.
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:01 pm (UTC)I have no idea what any of that was about, but you totally sound like you could use a good hug right now. *hugs*
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:05 pm (UTC)Then, this same friend of my father's tells everyone the humiliating events that took place after my father's funeral when I made a complete ass of myself. And uses it as an antecdote to liven the mood at graveside today.
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Date: 2006-03-09 09:01 pm (UTC)I did not realize that there was still such idiocy in the world. You, my friend, get a super big hug. *hugs*
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:05 pm (UTC)*more hugs* ............ always!
And for that 13 year old lost and lonely boy inside you, too.
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:05 pm (UTC)::holds onto you tightly:::
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:49 pm (UTC)Dude, that totally sucks. I hope the guy gets eaten alive by Hyenas.
:mega-hugs:
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Date: 2006-03-09 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 08:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 09:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 09:48 pm (UTC)*kicks self*
I haven't read LJ in a few days so I missed the pain, the heartache, the rage (why is this starting to sound like the opening scenes of a Xena episode?), so I offer you belated hugs, fresh kisses, and str8 fighting vibes.
If it's any consolation...I would have friended you even harder at 13 had I heard those rumours.
*snogs you*
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Date: 2006-03-09 09:54 pm (UTC)And the friending thing, it's a huge consolation.
Thank you so much.
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Date: 2006-03-09 09:59 pm (UTC)Mwah!
my dear dear boy/man
Date: 2006-03-09 11:25 pm (UTC)I know that that doesn't help you right now- but I just want you to know how special you are to us here and how you touch our lifes. Just let that asshole go, you don't need that in your life and I am so very sorry you are hurting.
Oh and we have big shoulders dear so share- it does help!
Hugs sweets.
Re: my dear dear boy/man
Date: 2006-03-10 10:42 pm (UTC)The asshole has now been dealt with. My mom sat me down today and made me tell her what was going on. It appears my sister-in-law called and squealed that something, she didn't know what, had happened and had me madder and more upset than she'd ever seen me. Anyway, my mom called up there and spoke to the asshat in question and, I'm not sure what all she said to him, but two and a half hours later, she brought me the phone and he apologized. In true CJ fashion, I hung up on him. Without ever saying a word.
Re: my dear dear boy/man
Date: 2006-03-21 08:16 pm (UTC)And no, the pain of a child is never an appropriate anecdote, however much time may have passed.
Re: my dear dear boy/man
Date: 2006-03-21 10:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 06:19 am (UTC)*big squishy hug*
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Date: 2006-03-10 10:07 am (UTC)Love you too. And yes, he does suck. I guess it just hurts worse coming from someone you thought would never betray you.
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Date: 2006-03-10 07:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-10 10:05 am (UTC)